The Long Lost Joys of Air Travel.

Updated: Aug 1, 2020

Back in the days when we used to fly internationally to other countries on airplanes for business, to take vacations or catch up with loved ones…remember those days? Well, one time I was on one of these trips from times past, and I found myself drifting off to sleep in the economy section of one of those massive A380 beasts, the double deck aircraft. Normally I find it very difficult to sleep on a plane, especially in economy, so this was a rare thing to be drifting off into the land of nod. Anyways, I began to dream and funnily enough the dream was about me being on a plane. But the plane wasn’t doing what it should be doing, namely flying smoothly through the sky towards the set destination. The plane in my dreams was having some issues staying up in the air, in fact suddenly we were nose-diving for the ground, but the people around me were quiet and still and not really aware of the situation. I became aware of the strangeness of this calm atmosphere in the face of an obvious emergency situation and as the panic started to rise up inside me I began to try and control my own fear, reasoning with myself that there was nothing I could do to change what was happening and that panicking would do no good. But I couldn’t control the dream version of myself and I yelled out loud to everyone around me ‘We’re going down!’ At which point I woke myself up and realized I’d said that statement out loud for real! Luckily people around me were sleeping, but I’m sure someone must have heard me and enjoyed a little chuckle to themselves. :D

We are all so polite and careful when we speak to each other on a plane aren’t we, no mention of the ‘b’ word…bomb, even in a joking manner. You can’t show any sign of anger or aggression for fear of being handcuffed by the air marshal and dragged into court when you land. I think that’s how they get away with serving such atrocious food and such tiny drink portions. They know nobody is ever going to risk getting assertive about anything when soaring through the clouds in a thin tube of metal. The risk of death just seems way too close and ominous to justify getting annoyed at the petty stuff. We even accept sitting so close to strangers for such an extended period of time that it could almost be classed as adultery. Where else but in a plane or a private bedroom do you put up with the farts and morning breath of another human being for 7-14 hours? I’m almost certain that the only reason they give you blankets on a long haul flight is so that guys can cover up their morning erections without any further embarrassment or invasion of dignity, before shuffling off to the worlds tiniest and most uncomfortable loo for the morning pee and stretch routine.

Personally I can’t wait for the time to arrive when we are mustered onto aircraft and inserted into holding tubes before being injected with some new drug that knocks us out until we land. At least this way we don’t suffer the food, the indignity of being conscious for the journey or the fatigue and boredom that comes with being kept marginally conscious in uncomfortable seats for hours and hours. We would arrive and wake up like we’ve just come out of surgery, having no memory of the physical violations our body has just endured and a vague sense of elation mixed with confusion as the drugs wear off. Certainly a much better way to travel if you ask me! This may not be too far away with the devastating consequences the Coronavirus has had on the airline industry.

I travelled short haul 2 weeks ago and discovered a reduction in catering service due to the current pandemic. The airlines are trying to stay afloat so are cost saving like never before. They are cramming us in, feeding us little and telling us not to walk the aisles so as not to risk spreading any potential Covid-19 particles unnecessarily. Then when we get off we are prodded into long queues to complete movement declarations. I fully expect my next plane trip to involve ear tags, branding, some form of cage and a supply of pee-bottles. Maybe I’ll manage to drift off for a brief nap and dream of the good old days of atrocious food, tiny drinks and a stranger’s morning breath. Heaven!

What are some funny or inappropriate things you’ve said over your lifetime so far? Are there any giant ‘foot-in-mouth’ situations you’d love to share with us all? Write a blog and get some of those cool stories out of your head and into the world! The world will be a richer place for it, and you’ll leave a little piece of yourself behind for whoever cares to read it.

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